I felt like I had hit a brick wall.  I could not believe I had a stomach that did not work. How could this not be fixable? I wanted to be able to eat without being in pain or feeling sick. Eating for me was not fun anymore. I love to cook and come up with new recipes but sometimes, I couldn’t eat what I made.  When I go out to restaurants, I always take a doggie bag home. With my stomach condition, I cannot finish a full meal. I have a gastroparesis card which entitles me to smaller meals or a kid’s menu meal.  The card states my condition and the need for a smaller meal. This card can be used in any restaurant.  You just have to show the card to the waitress.  I have not had a problem yet with any restaurant refusing it. I bought a nutri bullet for making smoothies.  I mix fruits and vegetables with some yogurt or orange juice so my meal can be in the form of liquid. I have trouble with feeling hungry in the morning often.  I usually don’t feel hungry till around noon.  This is usually because I am still full from the dinner I ate the night before. I eat solids and do liquids and when I have symptoms I mainly stick to a liquid diet. If I have stomach pain and vomiting I don’t eat anything. I just lay in bed and rest.  I have anti- nausea medicine but sometimes it’s not enough. I also have pain meds but they cause constipation which is not good with gastroparesis. I usually use a heating pad or get into a hot bath for the stomach pain I get.  One week I had a flare up which put me in bed and I made the mistake of watching the cooking channel.  I became depressed as I watched chefs cook all the foods I could not eat during my flare up. 

The endoscopy confirmed that I had something called gastroparesis.  I had no idea what gastorparesis was.  I had the doctor explain it to me. He said, “When we eat, our stomach muscle contract to push food through.”  The doctor told me when I eat my stomach muscles don’t contract.   So the food I eat is taking longer to digest or might not digest at all.  He told me that there are very few treatments that work for GP. He then went on to say that doctors are aware of this condition but they don’t know how to treat it. He told me he would put me on a medication called erythromycin.  He said this can help stimulate my stomach muscles so that I could digest my food. I agreed to try the medicine.  My doctor told me that I should notice a change within two weeks of taking the medication.

I was on the medication and was not seeing a change in my condition.  During my follow up appointment with doctor, I told him the medicine was not working.  The doctor told me about another medicine that works but it was not FDA approved.  This medicine was called Domperidone. The only way I could get this medicine was to go online.  Since this medicine was not FDA approved it was not covered by insurance. I had to pay fifty dollars a month out of pocket to take the medicine. At first it seemed like the medicine was working but after several months, my symptoms started coming back.  I would feel full after just the tiniest bites of food. I would burp and regurgitate food back up into my throat.  I felt nauseas. I then went back to my doctor to find out what else I could do.  The doctor told me that no more options where available.  There was no way to cure my condition. I was not losing weight so a feeding tube was not an option yet. He told me to eat six small meals a day and drink lots of liquid. My doctor said liquids are easier to digests than solids.  

I had been in extreme stomach pain when the emergency room doctor came in to see me.  I had told him about my symptoms that had started over a year ago.  He ordered blood work and an ex-ray with barium right away.  After the ex-ray, results were obtained the doctor came in and had told me he thought I had a blockage in my stomach.  The doctor said the barium I drank did not move it was stuck. It was possible I had a blockage in my stomach and he would need to call a surgeon in.  I was going to have to be admitted overnight.  I was not thrilled about having to have surgery at all.  The surgery would not happen till tomorrow when the surgeon would be available.  When the next morning came the doctor working the floor came in and introduced himself to me.  He was a gastroenterologist.  He asked me if I was having pain, vomiting, nausea, bloating and constipation. I said, “Yes do you know what I have?”  He said, “Yes I don’t think you have a blockage.”  He said he could do an endoscopy where they put a scope down your throat into your esophagus and stomach.  This would confirm what he thinks I have. I would be under general anesthesia for the procedure.  I asked what he would be looking for. The doctor told me he thinks I have something called gastro paresis. He says this means your stomach muscles are paralyzed.  He went on to say when you eat and the food hits the stomach it contracts.  Mine doesn’t so it will cause all the symptoms I was having.  The doctor also told me that an egg test was ordered but he did not think this test was necessary.  My doctor said, “If I had the egg test first as scheduled then the endoscopy all he would see is eggs.”  He told me the egg test was necessary because it would show us how long it will take food to digest.  He said that if the endoscopy confirms its gastorparesis we will work on how to treat it.

After we arrived home from our honeymoon, I began to feel sick.  I started throwing up. I was having stomach pain.  I thought I had a stomach bug.  I felt like this for a few days and then I was better.  I was collecting unemployment at the time so; I spent my days at home taking care of the house.   A few months went by and then one day I started to feel sick again.  This time I had stomach pain and vomiting that lasted for a week.  I felt better again after this.  I had decided to make an appointment with the doctor.  The doctor had told me it was probably irritable bowel and gave me a prescription for medication.  I felt good knowing that I would be getting relief.  I went home and took the meds as prescribed.  It was about a month after taking the meds that my symptoms came back.  I had went back to the doctor and told him the medication is not working.  He told me he’d like me to get an ultrasound and then come back for a follow up.  I had a tubal ligation after my second son was born. I knew I couldn’t have been pregnant.  My husband and I were both stumped we could not figure out what was going on with me.  During the follow up my doctor had said that the ultra sound was normal.  He told me to stay away from spicy foods and he prescribed me a different irritable bowel medication.  A few more months had gone by and I was feeling good.  I had no pain, nausea, or vomiting.  I had eliminated the spicy food and I was taking the new medicine the doctor gave me.  It seemed as I was getting better but two months later I was in pain and throwing up again.  I also had noticed that my stomach would bloat and I looked like I was 6 months pregnant.  I went back to the doctors who had sent me for an x- ray of my stomach.  I had to drink barium to coat my stomach before the x-ray.  Once again these results came back negative for any medical problems.  My doctor said he did not know what it could be.  He told me to keep a food diary of what I eat and when the symptoms come.  The food I was eating could be causing my symptoms so the journal could help.  I was keeping the journal but I still could not figure out what was causing my symptoms.  One night I had stomach pain so bad I ended up in the hospital.  The hospital did blood work and treated me for my symptoms.  The blood test came back fine. I still did not know what was causing me to be in so much pain.  I was sent home from the hospital with no answers.  A whole year and a half had gone by since my symptoms started.  I had a second trip to the hospital because of the pain.  It was at this emergency room visit that I would get the answers I was looking for.

Fighting Gastroparesis

I had met my second husband through my best friend.  She had a cousin who was our age and he just so happened to be single. I had been invited to a party at her cousin’s house and that’s where I met my future husband. I was not looking to be in a relationship but my friend said her cousin asked if he could have my number.  I offered it and he called me and he and I went on a double date.  He was a wonderful guy and I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him.  He also felt the same way about me.  We would talk on the phone often because we lived an hour away from one another. My kids liked him and he was good to them. He would come visit us on the weekends at my father’s house. We had only been together six months but we were in love and could not wait to get married.  My soon to be husband lived in Milford, DE.  Since he made more money at his job we decided that I would move to Milford.  I would bring my younger son with me and we would live with him in his house. I knew I wanted to get married for a second time to the man who showed me how to love again and how I should be loved.  We have been best friends to one another. We had gotten engaged in August of two thousand seven.  We married in June two thousand and eight.  We had a very small intimate wedding with family and friends.  We had the ceremony in a floral courtyard at a golf course with the reception to follow inside.  We then went on a week’s honeymoon to St. Lucia to start our life as husband and wife. 

As time went on my visits with my oncologist were once a year. Five years had gone by since my diagnosis with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  I was happy and had a great outlook on life.  I cherished every moment and had a positive attitude.  Cancer gave me a second chance at life.  My husband on the other hand did not see things the same as me.  He was depressed and had a negative attitude on life. He was drinking more than usual. He would complain about everything.  He became angry and violent at times towards me.  He was more emotionally abuse than physical with me and the kids. He hated life and I was embracing it.  I could not let him bring me down to his level.  He refused to get help.  I tried to stay married and make it work but I could no longer hang in there.  It had been five more years and I had decided to move out.  My husband refused to leave so I had moved out with the kids.  My oldest was now eleven years old and my youngest was nine.  I had moved into my father’s two bedroom apartment.  I was working and trying to save up money to eventually get my own place.  My husband was not happy with my decision he wanted me back.  I could not go back. I somehow managed working, going to school and taking care of two growing boys.  Their father was not in their life much after the separation and I had to play both mom and dad.  Their dad eventually came around and started taking them on the weekends for regular visits.  I was dating hoping to find love again.  I was in a couple of relationships that had not worked out. One relationship was a three year on again off again courtship.  We had been living together but it was not working out. I had moved back in with my father who needed some help after he had a stroke. I finally gave up dating and relationships altogether.  I focused on my father, job and kids.  My oldest son was a teenager by this point and my younger son was starting middle school.  I was still having behavioral problems with my oldest so his dad offered to take him.  My younger son stayed with me and my father.  

After Julia’s interview there would be another guest to follow than me.  During the commercial break the guest before me insisted on sitting next to Oprah and Oprah had agreed. This guest had written a book that had inspired the movie the first wives club.  She had talked about being in an abusive relationship and writing the book which is now a movie.  The show went to another commercial break and Oprah gestured to me to come and sit next to her.  I was not expecting this. I was more nervous now than ever.  It was at this time that I had gotten to witness Oprah dismissing someone from the audience who had a difference of opinion with her.  Oprah remarked about a basketball game the night before and how even though Michael Jordan had a fever, he played one hell of a game.  Another audience member who was a young girl expressed her disagreement with Oprah. The young girl who was rooting for the other team, was thrown out of the show.  Oprah told one of her staff to escort her out. I did not know what to think or say.  I was just glad I was not a basketball fan.  This all happened during commercial break and when it was over, I was up next.  Oprah introduced me as being on the show before and that I was here to express what I was thankful for.  I had pwritten a summary on a piece of paper which I had read, as I faced the audience sitting right next to Oprah. I had been thankful for my husband, family, and friends. I was grateful to have the most wonderful children in the world. I was thankful to have a doctor and wonderful care of health care providers who helped me throughout my cancer diagnosis.  I was thankful to be in remission. This had been the end of the show.  Back home everyone wanted to here about the trip.  There had been lots to tell.

.  It had been a year since my diagnosis.  Everything with my health was great and the cancer was still gone.  My doctor said he was confident that I could see him once a year with blood work and a chest ex-ray prior to check for cancer.   My younger son turned three and my older son was five.  He was starting kindergarten part time in the mornings.  I was enjoying being able to be a stay at home mom.  My older son was enrolled in cub scouts during the school year and when spring time came around he played t-ball.  I had a great attitude and outlook on life.  I wanted to enjoy every moment I had with my family. 

  The next morning we packed up all our things and waited in the lobby for the limo to take us to the show.  From the show we would be taking the same limo to the airport to go home.   When we entered the limo the driver told us we were waiting on another guest that would be riding over with us to the show.  When the other guest entered the limo we headed to Oprah studios which were not far from the hotel.  The other guest was a young female who looked to be about in her thirties.  We all introduced ourselves by first name.  We had a short conversation about how wonderful our hotel stay was.  By this time we had arrived at the studio and we all went separate ways.  It was not until the show that we would see the women who rode in the limo with us.  My aunt and I were in the audience and the first guest on stage was the women from the limo.  She was introduced by Oprah as Julia Sweeney comedian and actress.  I still had no idea who she was.  The actress did a comedy bit on having cervical cancer.  We both had something in common, cancer.  I wish I had known this in the limo ride over to the show.  We could have had lots to talk about.  After her comedy bit, which was quite funny she did an interview with Oprah.  Oprah mentioned her character pat from Saturday Night Live.  I  knew who pat was.  I had seen pat on Saturday Night Live before.  I was thinking I rode in a limo with a real life comedy star and never knew it.  I could have gotten an autograph.  This was an opportunity missed.  Even though, I didn't get an autograph, I had a pretty cool story to go back home and tell to people.  

As the days went on I began to feel better each time.  I was getting my strength back so I could be the mom my kids needed once again.  One day while I was home doing some cleaning I had received a phone call which surprised me.  It was Oprah’s secretary.  She had said she was calling to see how I was doing.  I told her I was finished treatment and I am now in remission.  She was so thrilled for me.  She asked me if I wanted to be on the Oprah show again.  I could not believe it.  She said, “We had such a response from viewers from the last time you were on the show we like to have you back.  She explained that at the end of the shows they had been doing a segment called I am thankful for.  At the end of the show a viewer who was chosen would say what they were thankful for.  I told Oprah’s secretary that I would love to do it after all; I had a lot to be thankful for these days.  She said they would allow me to bring someone of my choosing to accompany me.  Once again she would get back to me with all the details.  I was so ecstatic once I hang up the phone. I had to pick up the phone to call my mother to tell her the news.  We both could not believe I had been asked to be on Oprah again for a second time.  Since, I had already taken my mom with me the first time; I had decided to take her sister, my aunt.  My aunt made arrangements so she would be able to go with me.  My mom had offered to keep the kids overnight.  My aunt and I would fly to Chicago all expenses paid and stay overnight at the Omni hotel.  We had the same accommodations as my mom and I had on our first trip to Chicago. My experience was just as good this time as it was the first.  My aunt and I had a great time shopping and sightseeing the day we had arrived.  We enjoyed a wonderful dinner that evening at the hotel’s restaurant.

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I never thought it would get here but, six months came and went fast.  I had my ex-ray and follow up blood work done.  Then I would go in and get the low down from the doctor.  My doctor came in shook my hand and asked me how I was feeling.  I told him I was feeling better than I had been during the chemo.  I told him my appetite was back.  He had suggested I go to McDonald’s for a big mac to gain some weight back that I had lost.  He told me that the blood work was fine.  He informed me that the ex-ray was clear as well.  There was no sign of cancer anywhere in my chest.  This was such great news.  I was cancer free.  I would just have to come back every six months for ex-ray and blood work.  My doctor had said I was in remission and could be for a very long time.  This was the news I had been waiting to hear.  I could not wait to tell my husband and family that my cancer was all gone. 

While talking to my husband about the remission we had decided to have a celebration dinner.  We would invite the friends and family who helped me out while I was getting treatment.  We took everyone to a restaurant to celebrate my remission and honor them for all the help they gave us.  It turned out to be a wonderful night.  For the first time since my diagnosis I was able to feel like my old self again.  Life and my health would be the same as it was before the cancer.  

I was so happy to be getting my last chemo.  I was hopeful that the chemo killed all the cancer and it would not return.  I was feeling very weak from all the chemo that I had been given.  I had felt my weakest when we had went on a shopping trip to the store.  I was walking around the store when, I had to sit and take a break.  I had told my husband I could not go on.  We decided to go home and I called the doctor.  He told me to come in on Monday and have my blood checked.  I did just that and found out that my red count was very low.  I was scheduled to have two pints of blood put into me the very next day.  My father accompanied me while I sat there and received the blood.  The blood transfusion took all day.  I did feel one percent better after getting the blood.  I had color back in my face and my energy level increased.  I was scheduled for a six month follow up and blood work from my last chemo.  In the meantime I had been scheduled for a barium swallow.  Because I was having trouble swallowing during chemo I was referred to a gastroenterologist.  He wanted me to get a barium swallow to find out why food was getting stuck in my throat.  I had to swallow barium while they ex-rayed my throat then some crackers with water.  The last thing I had to swallow was a pill.  This was the hardest to swallow.  The test had revealed that my esophagus pulled to the left.  The ex-ray also showed scare tissue which my doctor said was probably from the radiation.  He put me on nexium to help.  I was told that besides taking the nexium there is nothing else that can be done.  I still have trouble swallowing every now and then.  I try to take my time when I eat and chew my food really well.   

Not only was the chemo and blood count taking a toll on me and my body but I could sense it was affecting my husband as well.  He would work and eight hour day come home and then take care of me and the kids.  I would be on the couch resting and I could hear him in the kitchen at times complaining about how he worked all day and then had to come home to this.  I would pretend I was sleeping and did not hear the things he was complaining about. He would say I have to take care of the kids, give them a bath, and do the dishes.  He would just go on and on. I felt like he was being selfish.  I had cancer and I did not wish this on myself.  I would rather be the one taking care of the kids and the house.  I did a better job at it anyway.  I don’t know if my husband was just venting or he really did mean the things he said.  Either way what he had said hurt me.  I felt like I was dying inside and he did not care.  His opinion was that he worked all day and provided the finances so; I should take care of everything else.  I did not agree with that especially when I am fighting cancer.    He said these things off and on throughout the last few weeks of my treatment.  I did not confront him about what he had been saying I could not talk to him about my cancer anyway.  He never wanted to talk about it.  If friends and neighbors would ask about my cancer, I would speak freely and it seemed to upset my husband when I did this.  

I am at the doctor’s office for my follow up visit to the chemo treatments.  I got blood work done at the office then I went back to see the doctor.  The doctor went over the results and informed me that my white count is low.  He stated that the chemo will make your white blood count low.  He informed me that I would be getting vitamins to bring it up.  The vitamin is called nuprogen.  In order to raise my white count I would have to give myself the nuprogen by way of injection.  He sent his nurse in to show me how it’s done.  I was very nervous about having to give myself a needle.  The nurse told me that I could use my upper thigh, stomach or upper arms for the injection.  She showed me how to squeeze my upper thigh and inject the needle till all the medicine was gone from the syringe.  I was told I would be giving myself and injection every day for three weeks. I would then come back in and have my blood checked again.  I could not get chemo until my white count goes back up.  These shots would help to raise my white blood count back up to where it should be.  After the nurse showed me how to do it, it was my turn.  I had grabbed the fatty part of my thigh and stuck the needle in and then pulled it back out.  The nurse explained to me that I was supposed to leave the needle in and then push down on the syringe to inject the medicine.  I had to try again and this time I did it right.  I was given two boxes filled with the nuprogen syringes and a red plastic box so I could dispose of the needles. 

I went home and had to explain to my husband and family that I had to give myself these shots in order to go back to getting treatment.  I had realized, injecting  the needle into my thigh would get easier each time I did it.  I was into the second week of giving myself the nuprogen and I started to get awful pain in my upper thighs. The pain was so bad I could not even walk up the stairs to go to bed.  I had to sleep on the couch at night. I had been using my thighs for the injection switching back and forth between the two.  I had called the oncology nurse and she told me the pain was from the shot and that I can use my stomach or my arms.  For some reason I could not see myself injecting a needle into my stomach.  I had to get someone to inject the needle into my arms.  I had asked my mother in law if she would be willing to give me the injections.  I trusted her and she had offered to help me in any way she could.  My mother in law was working for this large company at the time and they had a nurse on site.  She had asked the nurse to show her how to give injections.  My mother in law practiced on oranges with a syringe the nurse at her job gave her.  I felt very confident the day she came over to inject me.  I only had a weeks’ worth of injections left and then it would be off to the doctor’s office to get my blood count rechecked. The injections must have worked because my white count went up enough that I could get treatment.