My sex drive is not what it used to be either since chemo. My husband and I have had to find other ways to be intimate. Lately it’s mainly all about him. I have no desire to have sex. With my boobs gone and the loss of hair I don’t look or feel attractive anymore.  My husband still finds me attractive and he tells me all the time.  I will be researching alternatives to hormone therapy. I love my husband and I would like to have sex with him. When we have tried it just hasn’t been the same for me. Sex has been painful even with lubricant. When I am on top I look down at my chest at the scares and I feel less attractive.  Breast stimulation was a big turn on for me during sex and now it’s gone. I do not get the same feeling from my implant. I have some numbness around and under my armpit from the doubles mastectomy. I have a scar that goes from the left end of my breast to the right end of my breast. I do have scare cream I can put on to diminish the scar. Not having my real breast and desire for sex is just one more thing cancer has taken from me.

I was still tired from the chemo and I was getting hot flashes every ten minutes on a daily basis. I hadn’t had my period since my diagnosis in December two thousand and thirteen. I was told by other cancer fighters and by reading cancer books that chemo can put you in permanent or temporary menopause. Well that explained the hot flashes and night sweats. I was getting night sweats and would have to change my pajamas throughout the night. My bed and clothes would be soaked. I have turned our air conditioner up because of the hot flashes. I have found that a hand held fan and eating Popsicle help. I had asked the oncologist if I could take hormones that my gynecologist prescribed to deal with the symptoms but he told me not to. He had said that even though my cancer was not hormone driven he suggest I do not take them. So in the mean time I deal with the hot flashes until I can find a save and approved by the doctor alternative. It is not just the hot flashes but I have also had issues with vaginal dryness. I noticed this when my husband and I tried to make love one night. We used lube but it still hurt. That’s why I went to the gynecologist and he prescribed me hormones. He told me when you go through menopause your vaginal tissues become thin. He said the hormones would help with this and the hot flashes. I was already taking Selexa for depression so he increased my dosage because this medication can help with hot flashes as well.  I will be looking into alternatives because I still have symptoms. 

The shot I was given is called Neulasta. This shot is given to keep your white count from getting low.  Chemo can make your red and white blood cells low. Neulasta works on your bone marrow so your white counts will not fall low. I was told to take Claritin the day before the shot and the day of. Taking Claritin is to help with the pain you get from the shot. Even though I took the Claritin I still had pain. I took over the counter pain relievers but they did not help. I was in pain for the next four days.  All I could was laid down on the couch. I called the doctor’s office and spoke with the nurse. I asked her why I was in so much pain all over. She said, “That’s how you know the shot is working on your bone marrow.” She told me she would speak with my doctor and ask him if there is something else I could take. My doctor prescribed me twenty milligrams of oxycodone. I had taken this before as needed with my pain from the gastroparesis and it worked. It worked for the Neulasta all the excruciating pain I had all over my body was gone. I heard this shot called New Nasty instead of Neulasta. Now I know why. The pain is unbearable for me.

The morning of my chemo treatment my husband gets the laptop. Since it would be a long day we figured we could watch a movie to pass the time. When I arrive at the office I was called back by a nurse who led me to the room where the chemo is given. There were chairs on either side and televisions hung on each side facing the chairs. I had to sit in a chair by the nurses’ station so they could draw blood from my port. The results from the blood work take about twenty minutes to get after it’s drawn. I have to wait and if the blood work comes back fine I can get the chemo. The nurse gave me two different anti-nausea medicines through my port before chemo is administered. The chemo is ordered while the anti-nausea medicines are being administered. There were other patients getting their chemo treatments at the same time I was. On most chemo days it seemed to get pretty busy and I had a chance to meet other patients. . Since I would be getting my chemo through lunch a volunteer came around with a lunch menu. I could order from the choices of food from the menu. The volunteer would go get the food for the patients from the cafeteria. The one volunteer I had met that day was a breast cancer survivor herself.  All the volunteers I have met there are very nice. They come around and offer you water, soda, crackers or cookies. I had a volunteer come in and offer to give me a hand massage. I wasn’t about to pass that up.  I was not feeling that hungry because of my gastroparesis but I picked something to eat anyway. I figured I would need my strength after getting chemo. Because I have the gastroparesis the chemo filled my stomach up and it was starting to feel full and hurt. My husband went to the cafeteria to get lunch for himself. We ate lunch while finishing up our movie. I had arrived there that morning about eight thirty. It was three thirty by the time I was finished getting my chemo treatment. I was tired. I went home and took a nap. I would have to go back tomorrow at three thirty to get a shot for my white count.

I had a scheduled appointment to meet with my new oncologist in Milford. I would be getting treatment at the Milford Oncology Department because it was close to my house. I was met by a nurse navigator who walked me back to the exam room. She gave me a binder filled with information. She told me if I needed anything she could help me. The oncologist went over the notes from my previous oncologist. He told me I would be getting two chemo meds once every three weeks for six times.  The two meds would be Cytoxan and Taxotere.  He explained that both would be given at the same time and would take about five hours. The oncologist went over the side effects and gave me an information packet on the medication. He told me I could come back in tomorrow to start treatment. He gave me a script for numbing cream for my port. I did not have the cream with my previous cancer. He told me to put the cream on a half an hour before my appointment. The cream will numb the port so I will not feel the stick from the needle. I went home and felt really anxious that night about getting chemo. I remembered how sick and drained I felt before with the chemo I received with my other cancer.  My husband took off from work so he could be there while I get treatment. 

Before I get implants I have to have my skin of my breast area stretched out. The tissue expanders I had put in get filled up by a syringe with saline by the plastic surgeon. I go once a week and have my tissue expander filled. This is not fun and causes pain and pressure to the breast area. I take a pain med that was prescribed to me before I go for the fills. I can feel the tissue expander harden and fill up. On days when I had my fills I slept on the couch surrounded by pillows. It was more comfortable for me to sleep on the couch. The plastic surgeon said he would need to overfill to fit my implants in. I had about 600 cc of fluid go into each tissue expander. I was scheduled to have my port put in  on the right side just above my tissue expander. The surgeon who removed my breast was going to be putting in my port. This was an outpatient procedure and I was scheduled for the early morning surgery. I did not get home until dinner time that night. I had to stay a little longer to be monitored for a collapsed lung I developed during the surgery. I had to wait a few more hours then get an ex-ray which did not show the collapsed lungs. I finally got to go home to rest and recover. The next week I had to get another fill of my tissue expanders. When the plastic surgeon asked me to look in the mirror I noticed the right expander was smaller than the left. He took a look and said, "Your right." He told me it could be leaking and he would need to go back in and fix it. He said, "Sometimes these things happen or when they put your port in they could have hit it." He told me that he would continue to fill the left tissue expander for now. He said, When we put the left implant in I will go ahead and fix the right tissue expander." He would then continue with the fills. So for months I would have one implant and one tissue expander. He told me to start thinking about the size of the breast I want. It was hard because the size would not be in cup size but rather volume of the silicone implant. I went home and held up my bras to my chest to see if I was getting close to the size I was before. I went online and looked at other women with my body type and weight, who had implants after breast cancer to get an idea of size. I didn't want to be too big or go too small either. The size was very hard to determine and I became frustrated on not knowing how big to go. 

I am angry. I feel like I have been cheated in life mentally and physically.  I was not prepared for what having breast cancer would have in store for me.  I was sad and thought no one could understand what I was going through.  The funny thing is I didn’t realize how much I missed my breast till they were gone.   I had two children and with gravity it’s not like they were firm and perky but they were mine and I didn’t want to lose them.  Its one thing to have cancer but to get body parts removed is another. I don’t think it would matter so much if my boobs hadn’t served a purpose all these years.  My breasts were known for feeding children, providing cleavage and sexual arousal.  But regardless of all that, having breast is just knowing and feeling like a woman.  This is how we were made and once it is taken away you feel less like a woman.  I feel different.  It feels like something is gone.  It was a loss.  I want to say this is when the depression hits. I look at it now thought a grieving period.  You cannot get them back once they are gone.  Everything from this point physically changed for me.  While all this is happening and your head is still spinning you have to make a very important decision.   Should I get implants or should I go without. I would have never thought I would have to hear this question in all my life.  I wasn’t prepared to make this decision.  I wasn’t prepared for any of what breast cancer had to offer me.  I felt I was dealt a shitty hand in a poker tournament and I was about to lose more than I had bargained for.  The hard part was that I had to make this decision on my own.  It is my body and no one else could help me.  I had to decide if I should get implants or not.