It felt good to be home. I was greeted by my cat that came to sit next to me on the couch. The couch is where I sat and fell asleep that night. I had to prop myself up with pillows around me for comfort. The pillows helped ease the discomfort from the surgery and helped to keep my cat from jumping up on my chest. I was still in a great deal of pain. I had the tubes sticking out from each side of the sides where my breast used to be. I had to be careful with the drains to make sure nothing happened to them. The next few days were hard mentally.  I became depressed. My husband and son hung out with me and we played some board games. We watched some movies and played cards. They tried to keep my mind occupied. My son would put on Americas Funniest Videos to make me laugh. I said to my husband, “why wasn’t I depressed in the hospital?” He said, “Your body and mind were busy trying to recover and overcome pain so you had no time to be depressed.” This made sense to me. When I looked in the mirror It was a constant reminder that my breast where gone and I would be fighting cancer. I decided I needed to speak to someone who had gone through what I had. I contacted my aunt who is a breast cancer survivor. She told me to call the Delaware Breast Cancer Coalition. She told me they could put me in touch with someone who had been through the same thing as me. The Mentor Program matched me up with another survivor close to my age who had gone through the exact same surgery as me. After speaking with the mentor, I did not feel so all alone. I was able to talk to someone else who knew how I was feeling and what I had gone through. I was also prescribed depression medication at my follow up appointment with my primary care. Through the Delaware Breast Cancer Coalition I found a support group in my area for cancer survivors. It was great to be able to have these resources and people I could talk to. My family has been here for me but they cannot understand how I am feeling.

In the morning my surgeon came in to see how I was feeling. I told him that I was constant pain from the surgery.  He told me that during surgery they had to give me 2 pints of blood. He said, “I would like you to stay for another night, I will come back in the morning to check on you. My husband stayed with me both days. There was a chair that reclined back into a bed for my husband to sleep on. He wanted to stay with me which was nice. I enjoyed him being there. He would bring me back food when he went to the cafeteria.  It was not long before the nurse came in again to give me my medicine. She informed me that the doctor ordered a morphine drip.  The drip was for the pain. I could press the button on the drip every 3 minutes.  I could use the drip whenever I wanted and did not have to wait for a nurse to come and give me pain meds. The next day my surgeon popped his head in and said, “I think you’re well enough to go home today, I will discharge you.” A few hours later my plastic surgeon came in to see me.  He wanted to know how I was and wanted to check my bandages. He told me my bandages felt wet.  “Has the other surgeon been in to see you he asked?” I said, “He popped his head in and told me I could go home.” “Did the other surgeon check your bandages he asked?” “No I said why?” He said, “The bandages where the other doctor performed the surgery are leaking,” as he shook his head. There were 2 nurses standing by and he told them to put a fresh bandage on the site. The nurses must have known about the other surgeon because we all kind of looked at each other in agreement when my husband said we were not to found of him. The plastic surgeons bandages where dry and looked very good to him.  He had no problem either with sending me home.

The morning of my surgery I was a bit nervous. I was put into a holding room to be prepped for surgery. I was given a gown to put on and slipper socks.  I laid on a gurney while a nurse went over all my medical history and medications. Both of my surgeons came in prior to talk to me about the surgery. The anesthesiologist came in to explain the anesthesia I would be getting and how it will affect me. First I would be given a medicine to help me relax and then I would be wheeled to the operating room. I don’t remember anything after getting the medicine to relax me. The surgery must have been done because the nurse woke me up. I was still feeling a little groggy. She asked me how I was feeling. She informed me that I would be going to a room for an overnight stay. During surgery I had lost blood and they had to give me two pints. The surgeons wanted to keep in the hospital so that I could be monitored. I was in a lot of pain from the surgery.  As soon as there was an available room I would be wheeled upstairs.  It was not till that evening that I was in a room. I didn’t get much sleep that night. It seemed like nurses were coming in around the clock to take vitals and give medicine. 

Filling the expanders would be done with a syringe and saline.  The doctor pointed out that I should feel some pain and pressure with the filling of the tissue expanders. He asked me if I wanted saline implants or silicone. He told me he would over expand in order to fit the implant in. Over expanding would stretch the skin in order for the implant to fit. All of my original breast and tissue will be gone so the plastic surgeon wouldn’t have anything to work with.  I chose silicon because with saline the breast over time would sag. He asked me how my New Years that just passed was. I told him great me my son and husband went out for dinner at the casino. I told him I had a lot of pain in my left breast that night and we had to leave early. He told me not to worry about the surgery and to make sure I get those test done prior. I told him I would. After signing my life away and filling out forms, the next time I would be seeing this doctor would be the day of my surgery.  I went home and did some light cleaning and straitening up of the house. I did not want to come home after surgery and worry about anything. I would be concentrating on healing. I was scheduled for surgery the week of January ninth.  I went into the hospital to get my blood work and ekg done. I also pre-registered for surgery while I was there. They told me to expect a phone call as well a day before surgery so they can go over my medical information and give me instructions. Since I was diagnosed with breast cancer and I would have to go through surgeries and treatment, I decided to file for social security. I considered myself disabled and would not be returning back to work. I could not do the job I had under these conditions. I had filed with the social security office as soon as I received my diagnosis because I know it takes about six months for them to make a decision.

I had my follow up with the plastic surgeon a few days later.  I told him I decided to go ahead and get the implants. The plastic surgeon informed me that he spoke with my surgeon and it would not be a problem for them to work together. He told me once my surgeon removes all the cancerous breast tissue and the lymph nodes from under my arm pit, he would go in and place the tissue expanders in. The surgeon said, “Tissue expanders will be used to stretch the skin so that an implant can eventually be placed in.” He told me I would need to have blood work and an ekg done prior to surgery.   He said I should expect to be in surgery for at least eight hours. He also said this is an outpatient procedure and I should have minimal pain to none at all. He told me the tissue expanders would have two tubes on each that would need to be drained twice a day after surgery. He said it would be important for me to write down on a piece of paper the amount of fluid that gets drained.  I would need to bring this paper in to show him on my follow up visits. I would need to empty the tubes till they run clear and there is little to no fluid left. He then would remove the tubes and filling of the expanders would begin. 

I went home and read all the books. My husband and I talked about it in detail but he said, “It is your decision and I will be happy with whatever you chose.” He did say if I get them I should go bigger. I laughed. He said, “You laugh but if I had to lose my penis and they were going to give me another one I would go bigger.” I didn’t want to laugh but I did. This was one of those times when you realize you can find humor in cancer. I said, "I would be happy with the size I had." As long as I had some shape to fill out my clothes and to keep me looking normal I didn't care how big they were. I then came to the realization that this is real and I would be losing my breast and getting fake ones. I didn’t want to have to make this decision it was not fare that I had to. I also researched online about making this decision.  I did find some information that stated women, who do get implants after removal of breast from cancer, psychologically feel better. I went back and forth on the decision and weighed out the information I had collected. 

I was curious about implants. I wanted to see if this would even be an option for me. I wasn’t sure I wanted them just yet. I was told if I did decide to get them it could be done the same time my surgeon removes all my cancer and tissue. This was an option for me and would save me a surgery. I decided I would consult with a plastic surgeon to find out the information and what would be involved. I made an appointment with the surgeon who was part of Bay Health. He had done many reconstructions on women like me who have had breast cancer. He had been very thorough and went over all the information. He gave me booklets to read at home. The plastic surgeon explained that he would need to contact my surgeon who would be removing the cancer. He said I will need to ask him if he will let me work with him on you. He explained to me that once my surgeon removes the breast and all the tissue, he could go in after him and do his part of the surgery. He told me he would contact my doctor and that I should go home read the books and make a list of any questions I may have. He told me to come in next week for a follow up. If my surgeon gives him the go ahead, and I decide I want the implants, he will explain the surgery and the procedure then. 

I just knew I wanted to make an appointment with my oncologist to see if he agreed with the surgeons plan. My oncologist office is an hour away but it would be worth the trip. My husband and son wanted to come with me. My mother and stepdad wanted to be there as well. They would be meeting us at my doctor’s office.  My doctor entered the exam room and we all introduced ourselves. The doctor already knew my mother and my son but, my son was only two at the time.  My son is 22 years old now.  The doctor went over my MRI and mammogram with us. He suggested I get a double mastectomy.  He said I could get a lumpectomy which is the removal of the left breast but chances are, the cancer would eventually spread to the right breast. If I get a double mastectomy both breast would be removed.  He also stated that the lymph nodes under the arm pit would have to be removed and biopsied. He told us breast cancer can spread to the nodes. He then said I would need to have chemo. I asked him about getting reconstruction surgery. He had no problem with this at all.  The doctor gave me a paper with statistics on it.  The paper showed the prognosis in percentages with treatment and without. The unfortunate news about my cancer is that it is triple negative, this type of cancer doesn’t respond well to chemo. My doctor seemed hopeful and with surgery they could remove all the cancer. I trusted my oncologist. He was there for me when I had the Hodgkin’s lymphoma. We all agreed that this would be the plan and the doctor was going to fax it to my surgeon. Before I left the office I had to have a consult with the nurse about the chemo meds I would be getting. After she went over the medication, dosage and side effects I had to sign consent for treatment. I would be getting the surgery first and then the chemo.

My husband came with me to my appointment with the surgeon.  We were in the exam room with the nurse when the doctor walked in.  He had my chart in his hands. He proceeded to tell me that they found cancer in my left breast.  There were four spots and he called it stage two triple negative breast cancers.  The spots had been measured at four centimeters.  He said my cancer did not test positive for hormones and that’s why it is triple negative. I would not be a candidate for hormone therapy. He suggested I get a lumpectomy which is removal of the left breast and chemotherapy.  He then asked if I had any questions. Of course I had questions but could I think of any? My head was still spinning from the words you have cancer. I did not hear anything after that. I am glad my husband was there. Maybe he had questions but he didn’t. I think his head was spinning to. The surgeon examined me and I asked him if he could send the report to my oncologist. He told me he would along with his notes from today’s visit.  He then left the room and I got dressed.  I went out to the waiting room with my husband. We were discussing what we were just told, as I was wiping tears from my eyes. An elderly women who was in the waiting room as well, came up to me and asked if I had gotten some bad news. I said, “Yes I have breast cancer.” She said, “I am sorry to hear that can I have your name so I can put you on our prayer list at church?” I said, Sure that would be wonderful.”

It was three weeks before Christmas and I had noticed a lump on my left breast while in the shower. I ran my hand over the lump and felt pain. After getting out of the shower, I showed my husband who also felt it.  He said, “It does feel like a lump.  I said to him that I would call Monday morning to see if I can get a mammogram. Because I had a suspicious lump on my breast, my primary care had to fax a doctor’s order to the hospital. Once that was done I made an appointment for a mammogram. The mammogram showed two spots on my right breast. I was then sent for an MRI. The MRI showed four spots. My doctor suggested I have these biopsied. So once again I have an ultra sound guided biopsy preformed. The tech was the same one who performed the one I had done in October for the right breast. She was surprised to see me back so soon. I told her I felt a lump in my right breast. She said, “Let’s hope it’s just fluid like last time.” I wanted so much for this to be the case but when the doctor said it was hard tissue, I did not have a good feeling. All along I felt this lump was different. I think it’s the pain I had with it. I had no pain on the right side of my breast with the previous lumps. The tissue was taken out to be biopsied. I would wait for my doctor to call with the results.

It was Monday morning when I received a call from one of the nurses at the hospital. I was on my way into work. This would be my last day of work for the holidays. I had the rest of the week of for Christmas.  The nurse had asked me how I was, and if I had made an appointment with my doctor to go over the results. I had told her I thought he would call if something was wrong. She insisted I call my doctor’s office. So when I hung up with her that’s just what I did. My doctor’s office gave me an appointment to come in. The next day while I was home my primary care doctor called me. He said, “There was no need for me to come in.” He told me I should make an appointment with my surgeon.

I laid on the gurney while the tech proceeded to look for the spots on my right breast.  I could see everything she was doing on her computer monitor. The tech put warming gel on the end of a device which she then runs over my breasts looking for the spots to be biopsied.  When the doctor comes in she numbs my breast area using medicine in a needle.  Once the area is numb, the tech runs the device to the spot. The doctor then extracts the tissue or fluid from the breast.  The doctor had informed me that all my spots were fluid filled.  She took all the fluid out and I was done.  If it had been tissue, it would be sent out for biopsy.  I was so relieved that nothing had to be biopsied. I was not in much pain and I would be returning back to work the next day.

  In July I had started my new job working for a neurologist. I ran the front of the office by myself.   The practice I worked for was small just like the practice of my previous par time job. I enjoyed my position and was working full time. I was traveling further but making more money. There was no previous employee to train me so I learned the computer system and the office functions on my own. So when I had my biopsy in October, It was a relief to know I could go back to my new job and enjoy life again. My husband started playing guitar again with a gigging band. I would go with him when he played at different venues. In November it was my younger son’s birthday. We took him out to dinner to celebrate.  The Christmas holiday is right around the corner and its one of my favorite times of the year. I could not wait to decorate the house and our tree.

The day of my MRI appointment I was told to change into a gown.  I was given dye intravenously. I then had to lie on the machine flat on my stomach.  My breast where positioned in cushioned holes. I was given earphones that played music to drown out the sound of the MRI machine. This is not very effective. I could still hear the MRI machine.  The machine slowly moves back into a tunnel and then pictures are taken. My doctor had told me that the MRI pictures will pick up anything that was missed with the mammography. The MRI did just that. I had three spots on my right breast that would need to be biopsied. This is when I started to panic and nerves set in. You think the worst when you hear this not even knowing that it could turn out to be nothing.

I was scheduled for another procedure at the hospital. This time I would be getting an ultrasound guided biopsy. This did not sound like something that was going to be fun. I was very nervous on the day of my biopsy.  I was reassured by the ultrasound tech and the other nurse that I had nothing to worry about. They would be in the room along with the doctor during the biopsy. 

mammogram

In October of two thousand and thirteen I had my yearly mammogram done at our local hospital. The female technician led me to the room with the machine for taking pictures of breast.  I had to take off my shirt and bra.  I was given Band-Aid strips to cover my nipples.  I then had to lift my right breast up onto a flat plastic plate with the help of the tech.  She then brought down another plastic plate slowly onto my breast.  This squishes your breast onto the plate and pulls your skin on the chest area.  A mammogram is uncomfortable but doesn’t last but a few seconds.  The same thing is done to the left breast. They get pictures of both breasts while you are facing forward then the tech changes the position of the plate and more pictures are taken.  The films are read at the hospital by a radiologist then he types up a report that is then sent to my doctor. I had gotten a call from my oncologist a few days later and he wanted me to have an MRI. He said, “The mammogram showed some spots which could be seen better with an MRI.” An order was faxed to the hospital and they called me to schedule an appointment.

 I didn’t’ realize how many people had gastoparesis till I went on Facebook and found the gastorparesis awareness page.  I then came in contact with three other people in my state that have gastorparesis. I did not feel so alone anymore and I realized some with the same condition are far worse off than me.  I learned a great deal about the disorder and how other people handle their symptoms. Some have lifelong feeding tubes for nutrients and some have died from complications of this disease.  Dealing with gastorparesis and eating has been stressful on my body and mind. I hope that one day there is a cure.  I would like to have a normal stomach and be able to eat when I get hungry without any complications.  At this point my doctor can do no more for me.  I have purchased a few books from the author who has gastroparesis herself.  One book has recipes that she has had success with herself.   I was diagnosed with syncope about the same time as my gastroparesis diagnosis.  I was referred to a heart doctor because I had passed out a few times.  I had to have my heart checked and a tilt table test done. I had an echocardiogram and an ekg to check my heart which was fine. I then had a tilt table test that confirmed my syncope. I had to go to the hospital for the tilt table test.  I was met by a nurse who prepared me for the test. The nurse strapped me on to a table.  She then explained that she would raise the table while monitoring my blood pressure and the time. I was to stand up for thirty minutes. My doctor came in shortly after and the test began.  We were all chatting and having a good laugh.  I was standing for almost a full thirty minutes when the nurse asked if I was ok.  I told her I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach.  She said, “Your blood pressure is dropping.”  She then tilted the table back done and unstrapped me.  The doctor gave a prescription to help with the symptoms of the syncope. He was not sure how I got it and told me that it could go away on its own. Here I am seven years later and I still have the syncope. I believe it is somehow related to the gastroparesis. I believe both of these things are because of either the previous radiation or chemo I had in the past. I have come to realize in my own experience this is how things work. I had one disease and was given two different medical treatments to cure it, only to end up with something else. I was not told by my oncologist about getting the syncope or gastroparesis from my previous treatment.  He did however tell me that woman who have had radiation to the chest area, are more likely to get breast cancer. He said, “I would need to have a mammogram starting now and every year because, I am at risk." At age thirty five I had my first mammogram and have been getting them ever since.